51 ways to annoy Lord Elrond
by Twister the Dragon
Summary: I think that is fairly self explanatory really
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - I do not own any names mentioned here on in. Nor do I own song lyrics or anything really…………..I am a hermit……………but I have a computer………………

A **BIG **thank you to Lano for helping and being generally wonderful .

51 ways to annoy off Lord Elrond

Livi had noticed Lano was not concentrating. She should have been. They were, after all in an exceptionally important meeting in Rivendell. They were, however, very bored and to be fair by the look on Lanos face she was having a lot more fun than Livi.

"what were you writing?" Livi inquired when everyone was filing away from the council.

"Oh just a little something I have entitled fifty one ways to annoy our dear Lord Elrond." She passed a piece of paper to Livi "I think you should do them. I wrote it as a guide. We're only here for a week..."

Livi took the paper to her room and sat down reading

".Refer to him as Sir/Miss in all you letters to him

2. Ask if his mummy plaited his hair

3. Tell him he is holding his bow and arrow wrong

4. Cut his hair

5. Keep saying 'missssssssssssssss Deranderson' at him.

6. Tell him his outfit makes his arse look big

7. Repeatedly run your fingers through his hair and comment on how greasy it is

8. While he is asleep, dress him up like Captain Jack Sparrow - complete with dirt, black hair and kohl

9. Ask him if he uses hair straighteners

10. Before an important meeting, superglue a baseball cap to his head

11. Ask him if he used to be an extra in star trek

12. Back comb his hair while he sleeps

13. Give him multi coloured streaks

14. Copy his every movement...for a loooooooooooooong time

15. Sneak up behind him and tell him his hair is on fire (for the real dare devils: actually set it on fire)

16. When he looks stressed, tap him on the head and say 'shhhh there there'

17. While he sleeps turn him into a goth

18. Shave his eyebrows

19.Evry time he says something 'important' repeat it doing the quotation hand movements around certain words. E.g

Elrond: the ring must be cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came

You: The 'ring' must be 'cast' back into the 'fiery' 'chasm' from whence it 'came'.

20. Tell him he reminds you off a distant cousin, twice removed who is the son of a dwarf

21. Say everything is Elrond-tastic

22. Refer to him as your 'pointy eared little friend'

23.'Elves? Elves are weak'

24. SAY:

Ooh get her! Whoops,  
I've got your number but you couldn't afford me dear,  
two three.  
I'll scratch your eyes out!  
Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear,  
we all know where you've been, you military fairy.  
Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops!  
Don't look now girls,  
the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant,  
two three. OOOOH!

Whenever he walks into a talk about how elves 'suck' in comparison to men and dwarfs

26.Set off party poppers in his face whenever he enters a room

27.Everytime he says something 'important' at a council meeting clap and cheer him

28. 'Why do you were a tiara'?

29. Slip pipe weed into his drinks

30. 'Are you on PMS?'

31.'Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg…'

32. Blackmail Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas into singing and dancing the cheeky girl song to him. remind him that is daughter is in love with a man

34.Giggle at everything he says remind him how easy it would have been to push Isildur into mount doom and end all evil.

36.Declaire your undying love for him in the middle of a meeting

37. Refer to him as the elf mister

38. Run up behind him and repeatedly poke him.

39. Three words: Knock and run

40. When you walk into a council meeting give him a slutty look and say: elen sila lumen omentilvo. _(a star shines over the hour of our meeting)._

41. Kiss him on the nose

42. When he's sleeping put his hair in ringlets

43. Read magazines during meetings and laugh loudly at them

44. Fall asleep when he's talking to you

45. 'Ever considered joining the Royal Ballet?'

46. Knock him out, dress him in a spandex suit with the letter 'E' on the front and put him in a crowded place. Wait for him to wake up.

47.Create Elrond: An epic musical biography

48. 'Don't ignore me elli-kins

49. Trip him up on as many occasions as possible ' Now really. I thought elves were suppose to be graceful creatures'

50. Dye all of his clothes Barbie pink

51. Hug him. LOTS"

Livi decided this was a much better use of time than listening all through a meeting and resolved to write her own list in two days time.


	2. Chapter 2

More annoying Lord Elrond

Sure enough, next time a council was called livi took in her pocket notebook and fixed Lord Elrond with her most convicing 'interested face'. To be honest anyone who went to these things had one.

When he began talking, Livi took pen to paper:

"Stick Bunny rabbit tails on all of his robes

2. Go 'Da da da duuuuuuuuum' every time he enters a room.

3. Become 'Good Elrond/Bad Elrond' and help him make important decisions by popping up by each ear whispering advice (A/N - Draco and I have done this to Snape under an invisibility cloak)

4. Tell him how Aragorn broke the Evenstar necklace

5. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.

6. Spray him with a hose

7. Drop vague hints that Legolas finds him very attractive

8. Ask why everyone in Rivendell look like eunuchs - good singing voices, abnormally tall and no facial hair

9. Make him take part in Severus: the Musical

10. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Elrond'

11. Sing Christmas Carols all the time and if he asks why then explain how it is the winter of the elves' time in Middle Earth

12.When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'

13. Wink at him in meetings

14. Pretend to have a seizure every time he looks at you

15. Demand that he looks at you when you are talking to him

16. Swap his conditioner for tar

17. Describe the war in the undying lands - graphically.

18. Tell him Peter Jackson 'murdered' Haldir in his film adaptation

19. Auction off his belongings - to dwarves

20. Become a tour guide for dwarves around Rivendell.

21. Hum and whistle the score from Austin Powers the moment he enters the Potions room.

22. Sign your name on anything of his you can get hold of

23. Write 'property of (your name here)on his head.

24. Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you are doing.

25.Regularly question his mental stability

26. Give him a replica of the one ring tell him to 'keep it secret, keep it safe'

27. At meeting wait until a very important part before shouting 'ALL CHANGE' and get everyone to get up and move to another chair before sitting down and appearing deeply interested like nothing ever happened.

28. Shout 'Razor sharp rocks' in a Dwarfish way every time he seems to be having 'quiet time'

29. Ponder allowed over whether or not he wears underwear

30. Chain yourself to him and go completely limp

31. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.

32. Wolf whistle at him every time he comes in

33. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth

34. Throw glitter on him every time he enters a room and shout 'PRESENTING THE LORD OF ALL THINGS ELRONISH'

35. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' 'Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc

36. If you've done all these so far all you need do is look at him!

37. Tackle him

38. 'Are you cheating on me?'

39. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back'

40. Follow him around pretending to be a horse all day and the next day ask him how convincing you were.

41. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.'

42. Do not do ANYTHING without his expressed, written permission.

43. Pat him soothingly on the head every now and again

44. Walk behind him and his 'I am watching you. I am ALWAYS watching you' dangerously.

45. If he asks you a question, answer only with a serious '_Yes, We have no bananas_.

46. Call him the elf-meister

47. Ask him if you can 'borrow' him. Promise it's 'just for a short while.'

48. Take photographs of him all the time

49. Come into his room every night with hot chocolate and read him a bedtime story. 'One day there was a big fight. A silly elf had the change to end evil forever, but he really was a silly elf and let the man take the shiny ring down the mountain.'

50. Fill his room with daisy chains

51. 'You know I love you don't you? I am never going to leave you for every day apart is a day a cannot bear' burst into tears"

"Ha" she thought as the first people rose from their seats "I think I have met Lano's standard."


End file.
